Three Ways to Not Hate Your Husband

I think the churchy side of the camp says I’m supposed to tell you marriage is great. It’s pretty, and passionate, and playful. Your husband is your leader, woman. You must submit, woman. You must dote, woman.

I think the American side of the camp says I’m supposed to tell you marriage is a joke. It’s petty, and pitiful, and perishable. Your husband is a dimwit, woman. You must be stronger, woman. You must laugh at him, woman.

I’ve rolled out my sleeping bag on both sides in my short six years of experience. It’s like you might be able to wiggle your way into a comfortable spot, but when your shoulder goes numb and you try to turn over, you roll onto sharp rocks and twigs and godknowswhatelse and you let out a string of curse words that would make a sailor blush. Not that I would know. (I do love camping, I promise.)

Marriage has highs. It has beauty and bliss. It is a good thing. But let’s not forget its two humans. Joining together. Like TOGETHER together. One house, one closet, one body. All that.

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I’m probably the only one but for the love, my husband messes up. And my heart, it can get cold. Really cold, actually. (It’s sad I can’t even think about being cold without wanting to sing “Let It Go”. Help me.) I’m powerful enough to turn my love off. Suddenly this man cannot do anything right. Say anything right. Fix anything right.

It might seem unimportant at first. Or…justified?

We’ve walked some dark and dry roads in our marriage, we’ve tossed and turned on rocky ground (and not in the sexy kind of way). Let me tell you how fun it is to walk those roads with a man you hate.

How impossible it is to grab hold of redemption and restoration with a heart that has turned off its love.

So far, I’ve learned three things that…help. I wish I had twenty-five things for you but hey, I’m still kinda new at this. These three things are like the Anna to my Elsa (Stop it. Another Frozen reference. Send wine and romcoms). Heart softened. Perspective changed. Love turned on. 

(A note: This does not excuse away unhealthy behaviors. It doesn’t mean there isn’t work to do, reconciliation to be had, hard conversations to face head on. Love doesn’t mean sacrifice of boundaries, its simply doing my part to extend grace through love. Grace doesn’t come from a cold and hardened heart.)

1. The “Oh yeah” list. This idea stemmed from something we did in pre-marital counseling. We were told to write down a few things we liked about each other. I kept that small list in a word document on my computer, and every time I would think of something I would add to the list. This list has everything from “looks so cute with a baseball cap on backwards” to “spoke purpose over me when I felt defeated”. Silly things. Funny things. Deep things. Specific things. It goes on my list. On the hard days, the hard months and years, I open up that document and remember. Maybe I’m the only one, but once my love is turned off the bad is all I see. The wrong is all I see. The offense, the inconvenience, the hurt. The poor guy doesn’t even have a fighting chance because I’ve already decided that he. is. just. dumb. Reading through my “oh yeah” list sucker punches those lies and reminds me what an incredible, patient, wise, and intriguing man I am married to. I laugh. I cry. I…turn my love on. I see truth. I become grateful. Loving through hard times sure is easier when your vision is clear.

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2. Touch and Pray. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t sleep at night if there is conflict that hasn’t been resolved. One night I lay in bed fuming, only for my husband to be snoring beside me. Just as I was about to smother him with the biggest pillow I could find, the holy spirit spoke gently.

“Pray over him”

“Uh, sorry, what? You’re funny.”

“Sweetheart, put your hands on his back and pray.”

“Oh yeah, ok. Sure. You mean like pray that he would turn from his wicked ways and quit being a sinner, right?”

“I’ll tell you how to pray”

“Or that  his dreams would be filled with off key music and screaming children? Because that would kinda make me feel better…”

Silence.

Sigh, alright.

I turned over, literally shaking with anger, and placed my hands against his back which was turned to me. As I began to pray, words filled my heart. I began asking the Spirit to release blessing on him. I asked for places that were hurting to be comforted. For the places that were dead to have life breathed into them. I asked for him to be healed as he slept. I began calling out things in him, things I didn’t even know were there. Prophecy. Compassion. Wisdom. Ministry. Encouragement. I pleaded for the heavens to be released in my husband’s heart. For lies to be broken. Strongholds to shatter. Suddenly, its like God and I were on the same page. It’s a good page to be on. I still do this often, but especially when I’m angry or hurt.

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3. Learn about his sonship. Read through scriptures with the perspective of seeing this man as his Father sees him. Ask the Lord to show you through His eyes. Ask for God to let you in on the Story he has for your husband. Six years ago, this man didn’t know any more about being a husband than I did about being a wife! Today, we are both just six-year-old spouses. We are both on a journey. We are both practicing some trial and error. We are both learning what it means to be like Jesus. We are both being led to sanctification. For some reason, I can see clearly that my life is constantly being pruned and shaped and sharpened, but when its my husband’s life (at my “expense”), its annoying and unacceptable. Learn about his story. Read “man books” to gain understanding. Remember, he is a son of the King. He has a God who went to Calvary for him. I can look at an orphan and my soul screams “YOU ARE WORTH SAVING”. But I look at my husband and reach for the biggest pillow I can find? Hmm. Go back to the gospel. Remind yourself of all the times the Lord has reached down and saved you. Remind yourself of His faithfulness. Why do we forget this applies to our husbands as well?

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You may have noticed that these things have everything to do with my heart and nothing to do with his. Somewhere along the line I realized I can’t change or control him. I can change and control me. 2+2=4.

This will not solve our marital problems.  It takes two to tango. But if we show up to the dance with mud in our eyes and broken heels on our feet, it won’t matter how good of a dancer he is. It will suck. Let’s set our heart on a foundation of the gospel. Fix our eyes on truth and grace. Turn our love on.

 

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183 thoughts on “Three Ways to Not Hate Your Husband

  1. I so needed to read this, almost 13 years of marriage, I will honor my vows, even though the world says walk away and make yourself happy. Some days are very hard and the pity party ensues; I will never be happy, etc. God brought us together for a reason and I am standing on His promises. Thank you for the article which is a great encouragement!

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  2. Our divorce was final one week before what would have been our 33rd anniversary. He’s so angry at God … it has broken my heart, so I know Father is grieving too. To this precious man, the only man I have ever loved, confronting the past, wrong, anything seems like death to him. In reality, it would be life saving surgery, rendered by the perfect Surgeon’s hands. How I pray Father will draw this precious man, the only man I have ever loved, into His arms, heal his wounds … & maybe, if it’s His will, create a new, holy, loving relationship between me & this precious man … the only man I have ever loved.

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    1. Sometimes you gotta fix yourself before you start asking God to fix someone else. You’re wanting him to confront the past and his wrongs and whatever else you want. If I were you, I’d ask for forgiveness, from both this man and from God, for acting like he’s the only one with issues to confront. 33 years of marriage doesn’t end just because there is a man who needs to confront his mistakes. Think about it.

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      1. Anonymous… Think about this: a man has a porn addiction that he’s hidden very well, cheats on his wife, and lies very well, and takes for granted all the things she has done to be a good and Christian wife… She has counseled with pastors, prayed with her husband and over her husband, has prayed for their kids, AND HE does not follow through on any counseling that would help restore the marriage…. – and the wife has been willing to confront EVERY mistake of hers… Think about it: That can end a 33 year marriage – BECAUSE the husband is not willing to confront his mistakes….

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    2. I feel your pain, only in reverse. 33 years, 5 months, 23 days for our divorce. My prayer is the same for my wife. But it’s a little different for a husband. It was my job to minister to her needs, but, not knowing this at the time, I manipulated in order for her to meet my needs. I should have been depending on God for those things I demanded from her. But I didn’t know any better. I pray that her heart is not hardened so much that everything we had was destroyed, and that she will let Him heal her as He has healed me. I just want her to allow God to give us a second chance. I know I could love her God’s way.

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  3. How can you forgive and pray for someone after 13 years of marriage has thrown you  out to move his ex-fiance from 40 years before into the home you made for him.  Of course he had cheated on me twice before.  I had also given him chance to try and make it work, but told me he never loved me to begin with.  Will never belive in marriage again.

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    1. I’m sorry you’re heart was do tossed aside by that man. No women ever deserves to go thru that kind of heartache, but not believing in marriage robs you of a life you could be happily living! Don’t let every man that comes into your life pay for the mistakes of the a-holes, there are great guys out there who would faithfully love you unconditionally! I’ve seen it happen, don’t lose hope ❤

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      1. I am happily married, but your comment implies that marriage leads to happiness, or that she will only be happy in a marriage. I’m sure you are happily married and mean well, but women can often be happier without a man. I hope to one day raise my children to know that their happiness is not dependent on another person.

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  4. Great article! And so true! We just had our 14th anniversary and I can relate to each and every one of these moments. My husband and I have failed each other so many times!! But, forgiveness goes a long way, and we’ve managed to move past the hurts we caused. My favorite line in the article is “I can look at an orphan and my soul screams “YOU ARE WORTH SAVING”. But I look at my husband and reach for the biggest pillow I can find?” Well said, Keri, well said.

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  5. Ii read this whole thing from start to finish, twice.
    Then I scanned back over it again, just to see if I had somehow missed something, I had not.
    So I sat here completely baffled by what I had just finished reading.
    After reading your story, you may find this very difficult to believe, but there is such a thing called a successful marriage, I know because my wife and I have been living it for almost 31 years.
    When we went to see our priest to discuss getting married, he put us in two different areas, me in the church and my future wife in the rectory and asked us to take a compatibility test so that he could see what areas he would need to work with us on.
    When he collected the papers from both of us, he was shocked. He told us that if he had not known that we were in separate areas of the church, he would have thought we cheated.
    We matched perfectly on every subject.
    He told us that in all his years as a priest, that was the first time he had ever saw that happen.
    We always said that we would share every detail of our lives 50/50 and for the most part, we have done that.
    But a few years back my health started to fail. At that point, my wife had to give 70% because I could only give 30%. There were also times when I gave 90% because my wife was only able to give 10%. We both did this without ever resenting the other.
    We grow closer every day and our love for each other continues to grow as well. We still hold hands when we walk together, I still open doors for her, including the car door and never stop saying I love you and meaning it.
    The last thing at night we kiss each other and say I love you and the same thing each morning.
    She is the love of my life and I would be lost without her.

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    1. I can see where you are coming from, but way more often, the two that become one flesh are not so perfectly matched. It does not mean that they are not successful in life and marriage. It means that there are more obstacles to overcome. I know without a doubt that God brought my husband and myself together, but compatibility tests say we’re not a good match. We have had very different views on so many things, struggles, and heartbreak. We have also had children, joys, closeness beyond belief, and fun! After 11 years of marriage, one theme is consistent. If I pray for him faithfully, we struggle less, I love him more, and we are in unity. God is faithful, and He makes up the difference. I am glad that you have not had the difficulties that so many couples have. But, please don’t think we’re not successful because of the things that we have had to work through. We overcome, and God’s grace is sufficient! To him be the glory of this “successful” marriage. (Loved the article, btw)

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  6. I learned about commitment in my first marriage. He was a Viet Nam veteran with PTSD (didn’t even recognize that until recently), alcoholic and addicted to anything that was a “downer.” Our reasons for being married were never love, but some other complex dynamic (no abuse anyway), but at least I didn’t have to struggle with that illusion, but I did learn to love him in spite of everything.

    The list of positives that you mentioned was the turning point for me. A pastor said write down one positive thing everyday, even if it is a negative positive. I figured I couldn’t feel any worse, but it might help, but when I first started I was angry, resentful and wanted to retch. But everyday I added one more thing, and soon my feelings began to change. Of course doing all the 12 steps of Al-anon helped, and those principles strengthened what there was. He died in an accident a few years later, but those lessons have help me in my current marriage. Thank you for writing and reminding me.

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  7. As a husband, I would like to say thank you. Not because I think my wife needs this, but because as a husband, I need this. Men, this stuff applies to us too. My wife and I, and our children for that matter, are going through a very difficult time. My wife is an alcoholic. She is about to start her third journey through rehab, and at times I have felt like I shoud just give up. Divorce her and be done with it. Why not? My co-workers think I should. Most of my family, including my parents, think I should. But every once in a while, usually at the right time, God sends me a messege, much like this one, to remind me of the promises I made and the path I should take according to His plan. Everything in this article reminds me of the husband God wants me to be. So I will apply these three simple things to MY life. To MY marriage. And to My treatment and thoughts towards my wife. Thank you, thank you, and thank God!

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  8. This is awesome! I’ve only been married a couple months and have written about some similar topics on my blog, I would love for you to check it out. I have read a lot of books and these are some of the best tips I have seen. Thank you!
    Ps I’m going to share this on my blogs Facebook page

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  9. Personally, reading this blog was for me like sitting through a PG-13 movie waiting for all the sarcasm and “bad words” to come out so I can enjoy the good parts of the movie. I don’t mean to offend you, but using words likes “churchy” hurts the bride of Christ, and perhaps Christ himself if you are broad-stroking a negative image to distance yourself, and set up your audience for truth. I get the popularity of the blogasphere to bash the church collectively and offer individual wisdom from personal insights gained from practicing the very precepts the bible and corporate church encourages. But let’s offer personal wisdom in our blogs in a humble, gentle manner without slamming the imperfect leaders and fellow saints who are being cleansed by their divine husband, Jesus Christ. You and I are the bride of Christ and we need to be able to be humble and honest of our own feebleness without degrading and defrauding those he came to die for. May you walk in the fulness of his grace today worthy of the calling. I wise woman build up her house and his house. Blessings to you in your marriage.

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    1. I think we are all coming from different places, and if we want to be honest in our writing, sometimes we have to express the depth of the feelings we have had, even when they are not the “right” ones. I thought the language was pretty mild when I compare it to some of the feelings I have had, knowing I needed to change them, and knowing Christ had suffered for those very feelings. I appreciate her honesty because I have been there. Thank you, Keri, for your honesty in acknowledging those unrighteous feelings in humility and giving the rest of us your journey in changing them and coming closer to Christ.

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    1. In my 33-1/2 years of marriage I have not heard this explained so well ever. So there are things that everyone can learn from and you put it perfectly. Thank you for your beautiful post.

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  10. I found this as I was scrolling Pinterest looking for a husband hating meme to send to my best friend. I’m so mad at my husband I have starting imaging and planning a life without him today and my BFF is my favorite husband bashing buddy. I absolutely needed to hear/read this! I take my anger and sadness out on my husband and forget to forgive him for “short comings” way to often. Thanks for the post, it may have saved my marriage.

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    1. I love this reponse…..I was especially “hit” by your comment “Bff is my favorite husband bashing buddy” I too had one of those early in my marriage…I always felt guilty after “dumping” on her….I prayed to God to get me to stop doing this bashing, it was not fair for my husband. (and wouldn’t I cry a thousand tears if he did this with one of his buddys?) I could not stop, I continued to pray…God ansered my prayer…my best friend since 5th grade, maid of honor at my wedding, husband bashing buddy at 23 yrs. of age died. That is a scary thing. That was almost 30 yrs. ago….I am still married and our marriage is great…but I now think about what I pray for…the old “be careful what you wish for…you might get it” rings very true.

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  11. I have been married (to my 2nd husband) for 3 years. We separated just before our 1 year anniversary. We went through a phase where we felt more like we were just roommates rather than husband and wife. I figured if I was going to do everything BY myself I might as well BE by myself. We have since moved back in together but are back in the “roommaote” stage AGAIN! I really enjoyed your idea about the list. I think I need to start one ASAP. There are a LOT of times I TRY to remember WHY I fell in love with him and I HONESTLY CAN’T. The list seems to be the perfect answer to this problem. Thank You so very much for sharing this. You may have just saved MY marriage too!!!

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  12. Haha I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post! You have nailed my life on the head, EXCEPT THAT WHEN MY MIKEY snores I get my revenge by sticking 2 fingers to plug his nose and then jump back and pretend I’m sleeping…it’s so much funnier than trying to kill him with a pillow lol…life is hard and brings issues u never thought u have to deal with.. but at the end of the day, there is no one I laugh harder with him and our daughter and there is still no one I love to look at in the middle of the night when he’s sleeping Cuz he’s soo adorable when he’s not talking lol. To sum it up love who you love. Or I always say love me or leave me.

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  13. I saw your link on my daughter’s FB and had to give it a read – I want to be aware of what’s important to her, still in the newlywed stage. I probably could have said everything that matters with a judgmental sounding “It sounds like you take him for granted. I’d resent that.” – but I don’t even know you… I’m no one to judge. But I read, and that’s what it felt like to me. What you posted is not just about you, it’s about everybody who reads it, and this is what it is about to me.

    I am one of the husbands. One of the messy ones. A collector. Not handy. Not punctual. Not particularly thoughtful, I’m more likely forgetful. I’m prideful, I guess. I get my feelings hurt. But I’m the one who prays over her at night. And during the day. And sometimes, maybe every hour of the day. And about the kids, and friends, and…

    But I love. Tremendously and without (much) reservation. But I forget to make reservations. I don’t bring (or send) flowers. It’s not that I don’t care – I do, and deeply. I have ADD and…well, I forget. Or I’m thinking of everything else.

    I work hard – too hard – and not 10 hour days… 12, 15, 16… (and sometimes 20 and 22 hours days — Not too often, but often enough to be too often). Lately, it’s 12 or 15 “every day”, not just weekdays. Weekdays, it’s too common to start at 9 and still be working at 9, or 12, or sometimes 2 or 3. Those, a lot lately.

    I work because I have work to do. There’s a lot that gets dumped on everybody, and nobody seems to know how long anything takes… I work like crazy. And I’m the thoughtless one. I spend 20 hours trying to fix something that no one understands is broken, trying to get everything up to the point that everyone thinks is just “behind”. “Why isn’t this done, why isn’t that done, can you also do the other…”

    My weak points are sometimes clear to me… I keep working hard. When something doesn’t work, I work harder. I feel responsible. For everything. In the bad way. Not the “hey, look at me! How responsible I am!” way or even the “it needs to be done, and nobody else is doing it, I’ll handle it” way. In the desperate “it’s all my fault” way. In the “Lord God, please don’t let me fail again.” way, even though I haven’t failed. I just feel like a failure. This is something I’ve asked God’s help about. Either overcoming the feelings, or at least getting “ok” with the feeling. Neither of those are forth-coming. I know God is perfect, so I must be the failure in feeling OK that I feel like I fail.

    So what’s this all about?

    In reading this post, I feel resentment. I feel the resentment that comes from already having worked for a week on something, and knowing that it needs another week to get done correctly, and having someone who has no understanding of what is involved toss off a “Oh, that should be simple. All you have to do is … blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it should only take your an hour or two.”

    And other people who don’t know what is involved, believe and agree.

    At that point, I’ve failed. I’ve failed to live up to uninformed beliefs and unrealistic expectations.

    That’s how I feel. That’s how I feel when I’ve done 80 or more hours a week, and my wife is impatient because of something ELSE I haven’t done at the house. I’m inconsiderate. I’ve failed. I’ve disappointed her. Again.

    I’ve worked really, really hard, and I haven’t accomplished “that thing” and I’ve failed, and I’m a failure, and it’s never going to be any different. I might as well stop trying.

    Do you know how that feels? To try so hard, to always do your best — and KNOW that you’re always doing your best — diligently, earnestly, and intently – and feeling like it’s never good enough? To have everyone treat you as if you’re a slacker? To know that it will never change?

    OK, I get it… part of it is me. Maybe the major part is me. Am I REALLY trying my best? Do I REALLY work all that hard? Maybe I’m kidding myself, maybe I’m delusional, maybe I’m trying to pull the wool over everybody’s eyes, play the martyr.

    No. I know how hard I work. I know how hard I TRY. And nobody sees that – they all think that any particular thing is so easy. And I resent it. It doesn’t help to try and tell anyone… “how could ANYBODY have to work THAT hard? What’s so hard about doing stuff that somebody else said was easy?” You know, if you REALLY tried, you could probably get it done.

    That’s what it feels like in the marriage sometimes. Like maybe the expectations are unrealistic, that the other person isn’t putting the effort in, or there is only black and white… “There is no TRY, you either DO it or you DON’T.” There are no points for trying.

    I’m not perfect.

    It seems so easy to think that the other person is just not trying… they just don’t care, they’re just a jerk, inconsiderate.

    Maybe there are lots of people who fall under that. There must be, because people split up, get divorced, feel bitter and angry, blame.

    But there are also lots of men and women who do try hard, and wind up feeling a failure in the eyes of a loved one. One of the most empowering things in the world is feeling like you’re appreciated, like you’re somebody’s hero, even IF you didn’t get the mess picked up, or remember flowers. Maybe everybody needs to hear not just “I love you”, but “I like you”. “I like THIS about you.” “I think you’re neat.”

    Sometimes, instead of taking out the notes to remember that wonderful thing about him to get you through the angry times, you need to pull out the notes to remind you to let him know.

    You go about your daily routine: You get up, you make coffee, maybe breakfast, say “hi” and “bye, have a nice day”, and then go on to think about something really important or significant. You’ve got a roommate… not even an intimate roommate, more the type that you’ll spend time with, because it’s better than being alone, but if something better were to come up – you’d go to that concert, or movie, or spend time with the friends, parents, KIDS… because that person you live with will always be there. Do you even KNOW how to be intimate any more? Not the “the kids are asleep, hurry up and get it over with so I can go to sleep” intimate, but the “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you a lot. How are you? I really need to know, and I need you to know that you’re important to me. Don’t feel alone. I want to spend time with you. You look tired, tell me what’s going on. I care.” Or whatever drivel passes for genuinely caring. Sometimes that intimacy is uncomfortable. What do you say? What do you TALK about… and is the other person just as out of practice and uncomfortable with this as you are? And how long will this take, because I’ve got to check on something…

    My wife is not mean, she’s not un-caring. She’s a nice lady. I love her. I even LIKE her. But there’s that feeling that, no matter what, it’s just a little disappointing. A guy can’t compete with that. I don’t sweep. I try, but the effect is not there. Her feet are firmly planted, her shoulders a little cool, her practical-ness forming a solid resistance. I appreciate the things she does, and tell her, and tell her often that she’s important to me… but what if being important isn’t important?

    Two different people. I would love to feel important to her. I am, I KNOW, but it doesn’t feel that way. It’s like love… you KNOW its there, but sometimes it’s nice to hear it. Words, or even a meaningful touch. Are we so out of practice? Not all of us. Some of us keep trying. And feeling like we’re failing.

    Didn’t mean to go on this far, but I guess I needed to vent.

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    1. One of the most empowering things in the world is feeling like you’re appreciated, like you’re somebody’s hero, even IF you didn’t get the mess picked up, or remember flowers. Maybe everybody needs to hear not just “I love you”, but “I like you”. “I like THIS about you.” “I think you’re neat.”
      You are right in this. I think that’s part of the point in the original post. You seem overwhelmed. Perhaps you need time to recharge personally and time to recharge w/ your spouse. I hope you find this renewal. Peace

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    2. I will say a prayer for you. Don’t give up on your wife. I will say a prayer for the Lord to open her eyes to what you are feeling and what you need. Meanwhile, press in and keep trying to be the best Dad/husband you can. Don’t give up on yourself and on self-improvement, not to get the atta-boys (which seem to never come) but because accomplishments feel great and remind us that we can make a difference.

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    3. Did you ever think perhaps your wife feels the exact same way? Like her 80 plus hours of work aren’t recognized, acknowledged or appreciated? That perhaps your “forgetfulness” communicates active disinterest in her and HER daily accomplishments? Or that how hard SHE “tries” to love you should count for something? Even if the best she can manage on an empty tank in “trying to love you” looks like not shaking you as soon as you walk in the door? We ALL struggle. We ALL try. Thank God for God because when two tapped, sapped, overworked, underpaid, under acknowledged, under appreciated, DESPERATE people end their days by simply being glad the day is over, He can show up and give one (or maybe even both) the power to be the savior.

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    4. The Dad…..
      Thank you for writing your post. It’s an eye opener for me and it lets me know that nothing is perfect. I preach to my spouse all the time about the ” honey do list” which often seems to get ignored by him. I find myself often completing the honey do list because he have so many excuses as to why he could not get to them and that I’m impatient and he will get to them but in his timing. We’ve are 27 years into our marriage and no children and often I find myself wanting to leave. I feel like a roommate in this marriage and that I’m just present. Something is missing in my marriage and I can’t quite penpoint what it is but I do I feel like I deserve better then what I have at the moment. He’s a good guy for the most part, he gets up every morning makes my lunch for work, he starts the car before I leave for work and kisses me off to work each morning and telling me to have a good day. When I come home from work my dinner is cooked and he likes to serve me my dinner plate but nothing else is done around the house, like he should have cleaned the kitchen or mop the floors and or vaccum. I know that this may sound selfish but I forgot to mention that he does not work (disability-work injury) and have not worked in 23 years but I’ve been working since day one of the marriage. I start to resent that he’s home everyday and I have to continue to work otherwise I would not have medical insurance, which I need as I have medical issues but I still work. I feel like he just sits around all day long doing nothing in the house but rushes me off to work, while he sits arounds watches TV and drinks coffee all day and visits with his friends and rushes home to throw dinner together. We don’t ever talk besides me venting about my day at work which I hate my job and I can’t stress it enough to him and all he can do is empathize with me. I feel like there is something better out there for me, like a man who can take care of me versus me having to get up for work each day to an alarm clock and head out to a job I hate . I’m I being selfish and inconsiderate of my spouses situation and taking it out on him because he home everyday and I expect things to get done around the house since I’m working. My spouse doesn’t let anything worry him because he knows I’ll fix it. I feel like I’ve been fixing things for the past 23 years with no help. I’m tired of worrying for the both of us and fixing all the issues. My spouse is faithful, I just have found that he’s gotten lazy with being a husband, he’s is still attractive to me after all these years but I’m not attractive to him any longer. He’s gained over 80lbs since he’s been off work and be doesn’t see himself as being unattractive. I’m not perfect and I don’t expect my spouse to be perfect but how do I get him to have some get up and go about himself? He, will bring me flowers on anniversaries and birthdays but I never see them any other time. I think it would be nice to bring flowers to your wife every once in while, as it might just brighten up that persons day. If I mention to my spouse that I’ve notice a change in him, he tries to switch things around on me and if I ask him to make sure the ” honey do list ” gets work on, he will come back with a reply such as what do you do? I tell him, I go to work everyday to keep a roof over our head, I pay for his brand new truck and gas for him to drive all over town everyday while I drive a 12 year old car. I pay the bills each month and feed and clothes us and try to be the good wife by coming home to someone who don’t really care. You’ve given me a new perspective on my expectation for my hubby but a part of me feels like I’m being taken advantage of and I took a vow for better or worst, sickness and health, till death do us apart. I consider myself a Christian and I try to live my life right but I’m so ready to walk away as I just feel that there’s something better out there and perhaps I’m wrong. I pray everyday for my marriage but I getting tired and feel like I’m being used by the man who claims he loves me. My spouse will not go to counseling and feels like we can work out our own issues and we don’t need to involve the church pastor… I don’t know anymore. The grass is looking a lot greener on the other side….

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    5. I on the other hand, am always telling my husband how important he is to me. I’m always there for him good or bad..If he drinks Im tbee until he’s ready for bed. He tells me that I don’t let him breath that Im suffocating him. I don’t.
      Understand him,any other man would be pleased . Im always ready for Intimacy and ready to explore new things, what does he want ? He says I love you every know and then, never tells me how important I am in his life….Im ready to divorce him after 13yrs

      Like

  14. What a fantastic post! I shared the list idea with my husband. His reaction, “Should we buy you a new external hard drive to house the list you’ll write about me?” I hope my list is that long some day. Thank you so much.

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  15. Sorry to be the fly in the ointment but someone has to say, hey listen, this is just the beginning of your troubles and to the rescue prayers. I have done all that. It does not work. Period. People are who they are till the day they exit. You have to learn to live with it or move on. It’s 50/50 in this country. Good luck. And don’t fall for imaginary guidance.

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    1. I found myself in this exact same place recently (after 34 years of marriage) and the Holy Spirit told me to do the SAME thing…pray over him while he slept and I was wake, silently crying out with tears for God to help. Things happen when you listen to the Holy Spirit.

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  16. I have been married for 21 yrs. What I have learned in those yrs. it’s not always, bells and whistles. You have 2 imperfect people becoming as one. Your spouse is not your enemy, and your not always easy to live with, and above all else, forgive.

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  17. Lovely words to live by and to remember. Very wisely and humbly put. I’m at a point in marriage [seven years, separated for this last year] where there has been forgiveness but no restoration, true, genuine forgiveness, but no rebuilt relationship, no restored trust, no wounds healed… I have been waiting for this man to prove to me that he is safe to come home to. I would treasure the opportunity to love a man whose chief faults included leaving the cap off the toothpaste, dropping clothes beside the hamper, and wanting to paint the living room bright orange. Having a man who speaks purpose over you when you feel defeated, instead of speaking criticism, judgment and blame… honey, it makes me want to turn inside out. When you’ve known abuse, not just garden-variety people-type sin, you’d kill for that. He’s a keeper. He sees you.

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  18. So glad it’s not just me!!! I LOVE the idea of the oh yeah list, I need to remember the good when all I see is the bad… (might do this with my terrible 2’s/temper tantrum little man too). Thank you!

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  19. Every relationship is complex and there are no simple solutions. I am not exactly a Christian so this is essentially of no use to me. I have been with my lovely lady for 9 years now though and through the ups and downs I’ve found one thing to be the answer; communication. Couples who communicate love each other and succeed, couples who keep secrets and don’t communicate with eventually crumble away. Healthy, positive communication. Remember it because unlike the author I don’t find myself turning my love off for months or even years. If something is bothering either one of you just hash it out before you lie there wishing you could smother the person next to you with a pillow.

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  20. Thanks for validating that I am not the only one that hates her husband once in a while! Good to know I am not alone and that it does not mean we are doomed?

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  21. I can’t even begin to tell you how I needed this today. I am not a highly religious person, but this was refreshing to know that it’s not just me. Everyone struggles in marriage and life and just because the package is pretty on the outside, doesn’t mean there’s not a struggle going on the inside. I think I need to pray! Thank you for writing this!!

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  22. Thank you for sharing “her side”. From a man that has only loved one woman for 17 years, we also must look past the things that cause us to see our wives with mud in our eyes and hearts that are hardened and cold. When not if conflict(s) arise these need dealt with completely and quickly. In my case I had some childhood issues that cause me not to be able to express emotions and feeling very well. So this let those small piles of dirt continue to build into a mountain that caused us to loose sight of one another. We had no idea of how to move this mountain. This lead to a three month separation which has been a blessing. Yeah I said a blessing.. During this separation I was able to change those things that cause me to hold back in our marriage, with the help of our Father and the holy spirit. Though these things that i change were for me it just happened to be the things she was missing from me also. So I say take care of the little piles of dirt today so that it doesnt become an unmoveable mountain later. And if you mate tells you that something you do is bothering them then you may want to take a step back and look to see what they see through their eyes. Make the changes and do some house keeping.

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  23. I think you might be mentally ill. Hearing voices is not normal. If you hate your husband, asking “god” for help is the wrong way to go about a solution.

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  24. I have been married for 23 yrs to my High School sweetheart, I believe for us We have grown apart from one another, Had children much to young Now We are in our late 40s And It gets hard sometimes to see What the end will bring, However I am very greatful in knowing that their is still hope after reading this article, I cant tell you the last time I actually prayed over my husband Instead of fussing at him.

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  25. 21 years married, have bouts of hating and want to stop it, thank you for writing this extremely insightful article. Great reminders, very real, and not preachy.

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  26. Thank you! I LOVED this! You hit on some very close topics with me. I’ve never thought about looking at my husband through God’s eyes. Maybe I’ll just send this to him for when he gets aggravated with me. ha!

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  27. I sincerely believe in the changing of one’s own heart and not trying to control the change of another’s, but to pray and let God deal with it. The hard part, though, is that I watched my mom do this very thing for the 18 years I lived in their home and the 14 years since then and in the grand scheme, my dad never changed much. If he ever made positive changes, it was like a band-aid on a gaping wound. It would only last so long. I remember pondering as a teenager how my mom used to be more free–happier, goofier, more willing to share her thoughts and be herself. Years of bullying turned her into someone who lacks self worth, confidence, the belief that she has anything intelligent to say. She’s over-sensitive, always defending herself, comments on her own “stupidity” all the time. They are coming up on their 42nd anniversary. 42 years of prayer, patience, and heartache. She loves him still. She has speculated that she should have left him for our sakes–so that we wouldn’t grow up with anger, not seeing a healthy relationship. I wonder sometimes how different I would be had she made that choice. Maybe I would have defended myself when a man I was dating stole my virginity. Maybe I wouldn’t have married someone who gets easily irritated and angry and thinks it’s acceptable to call a woman a bitch. I know I’m not righteous. I know I can do better to try to be. And while I think most marriages could be saved if both partners treat each other with love and selflessness, I also don’t think a person should stay in an abusive relationship–physical or emotional.

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  28. Wonderful article…but there are no cookie cutter solutions. Manipulation, lies, violence, adultery, addictions and control are difficult issues in any marriage. I say with sincerity that I did all the things listed above in the article, but my marriage just got worse. God hates divorce, but He also hates destructive, unhealthy marriages. Believing I can be a “whole person” whether married or single. At this point I am at peace with singleness.

    Like

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